Prometheus Down Under 

The 'Real' Lord's Prayer?

An excerpt from my novel 'The Life of Riley'

...Daily he would communicate his findings back to his father who was the Geophysical Ordnance Director (or GOD for short) on the mother ship.

A typical conversation between JC and his father would go something like this:-

JC. "Hi Father, who farts in heathen?"
(Its so boring living in the Promethian utopia that if someone farts it makes front page news. Heathen is JC’s pet name for Prometheus because of its non-religious make-up).

GOD "There’s some chap who’s invented a sort of alternative to toilet paper, that squirts water up your arse, I can’t remember his name."

JC "Howard Bidet’s his name."

GOD "you’re becoming quite a celebrity back home you know, now that were showing your Real Life documentary on TV every night. Loads of women want your body. You had two particularly saucy ‘texts’ from some bird called Violet".

JC "Vi Kingdom-Colm or Vi Willoughby-Dunne?"

GOD "Kingdom-Colm I think, she signs herself Vi K-C. Anyway, what’s the weather like on earth?"

JC "On Earth as it is in Heathen."

GOD "We all reckon you’ve been working too hard, do you need a day off?"

JC "Give us Thursday."

GOD "Oh, your mum says that our charlady "Simpkins" has had a baby."

JC "Our daily bred!" he said in astonishment.

GOD "Did I hear that you and some of your mates got tickets for the "Lions vs. The Christians" fight at the Coliseum? Someone told me that some journalists got you in?"

JC "Yeah, four gave us their press passes."

GOD "They gave you their press passes? What did you give them in return?"

JC "We four gave them WHO press passes."

GOD "WHO? You mean that new musical ensemble "The Who?" they’re rubbish, they’ll never last. I reckon you got a good deal there son."

JC "A gain t’us!"

GOD "Oh you'll never guess what, the PM Simon Knott (affectionately known as Snot) has been caught in a brothel with his trousers down!"

JC "Leader Snot into temptation?"

GOD "Yeah, good on him I say, that should boost his standing come the next election. Did I tell you about the latest craze on Genetica? The on-line shopping mall ‘e-Ville’ has a new line in pantomime plastic buttocks; they’re quite a laugh and all the rage back home. I could send you one by transporter if you want?"

JC "Butt deliveries from e-Ville!" what ever will they think of next he muses.

GOD I also heard that that little wine bar we went to for your 21st is now a night club called The King Dome."

JC "Four Vines Is the King Dome?"

GOD "That’s what I heard. By the way, your favourite gold chain wearing, bejewelled author Steven Bling has written a new horror novel. It’s about a mad farmer who terrorises the countryside by running over courting couples in his tractor and rig there’s blood everywhere. Bet you can’t guess what it’s called?"

JC "The Plougher and the Gory?"

GOD "Good guess. Only one more item of news I can think of, your old mate Devon Harman is getting married this weekend. We’ll send him a card from you if you like. What would you like it to say? By the way his fiancée’s name is Heather".

JC "For Heather and Devva Harman…."

A loud crackling noise in his ear told JC that the communication channel had been lost; the Mother ship had probably just gone behind the moon...

Italia 90
(That’s Italia AD90)
A Ten Minute Opera
By

David J Baldwin

Scene One: Coliseum in Rome for a First Round Match between The Lions and The Christians
To the Music of 3 Lions by Skinner, Baddiel and The Lightning Seeds – Sung by the Gathered Throng Chorus of Rome.
*
They're Kat-o-meat, They're Kat-o-meat, The Christians
They are Kat-o-meat. (x4)

Christians think they know the score,
They’ve seen it all before.
They just know.
They're so sure.
Their God is gonna blow us away,
Gonna show them the way.
But our lions can play
And here comes one now…

[Refrain] Three Lions on his arse,
Crown jewels ripped and flaying.
Thirty yards way,
We never heard him praying.

So many cuts so many fears,
And all their leading Bishops are queers.
They wear frocks
They like boys,
But I still see that tackle by Claws
And when Leo boy jaws,
Bobby munching his balls.
St Peter screaming…

"Three Lions on your arse!
Run you stupid fucker.
Sod the bleeding Church
Jesus ain't yer mukker".

The lions win
And they will do a’gin.

They're Kat-o-meat, They're Kat-o-meat, Those Christians
They are Kat-o-meat. (Repeat x4 and fade out behind Refrain).

Three Lions on his arse,
Crown jewels ripped and flaying.
Thirty yards way,
We never heard him praying. (Repeat x3 and fade away).

*

Scene Two: Coliseum in Rome as the game kicks off and the Lions are released. To the Music of La Donna Mobile by Guiseppe Verdi – Sung by the Gathered Throng Chorus of Rome.

La Christians mobile,
Qual pume al Farto.
Lions like Catholic meat.
Al ‘sauce tomato’.

Don’t listen to their lies,
They're running for their lives.
Sandals strapped to their thighs.
Don’t wanna be Christmas pies.

[Refrain] La Christians mobile.
Qual pume al farto
Catholics taste best…
Strained through a string vest.

Claws dig into their flesh
Blood dripping, very fresh.
Just how they like it best,
Lions devour our guests.

Drink wine and have a laugh,
"Ooh! He’s just lost his calf.
"I bet that smarts hey Marth?
"Oh yeah, not bloody half!"

La Christians mobile.
Qual pume al farto
Catholics taste best…
Strained through a string vest.

*

Scene Three: Coliseum Rome after the first Round Match between The Lions and The Christians
To the Music of Nessun Dorma by Giacomo Puccini – Sung by some Big Fat Roman Tenor.


Christian dorma!Christian dorma!

You're dying now, O’Christians,

Now tell us where’s yer Jesus,

He couldn’t save you

Our lions have had their dinner, and we’re not smoted!

We gave your boys a damned good smitening,

No thunderbolts or streaks of lightning!

No, no, where’s your god gone, is he hiding?

D’you like our Coliseum, splenderà!

Our Gods are greater and more powerful.

So silenzio you silly bastards!

[Choir:]Il nome suo nessun saprà!

E tu dovrem ahimè morir, morir!

We’re going down!

The local taverna!

For a couple ‘a Stellas!

To celebrate our win!

Vincerò! Vincerò!

Massive applause and cries of Encore, Encore. Fades away.

The End

The Lying Bitch in the Wardrobe

"Jesus Christ, look at the state of your room. Anyone would think that you were born in a barn. You’d better clean it up before your father gets home; you know what a temper he’s got."
"He’s not my real father…"
"Don’t start that again. You know it annoys him, and it upsets me too!"
"Sorry mum. Okay, I’ll sort this place out in a mo’. Was there anything else?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact there is. Phoah! What’s that damned smell in here? Have you been smoking again?"
"I might have had a spliff or two, so what, it ain’t doing anyone any harm is it?"
"You know smoking is bad for your health, it stunts your growth and it ages your skin."
"Rubbish! You’ll be telling me next that drugs aren’t good for me. How can anything that makes you feel so good be bad for you, hey?"
"I don’t know, they just are, it’s a well known fact."
"Yeah, like a few more ‘well known facts’ you pick up from that bunch of do-good, moral guardians down at the synagogue. You don’t want to go listening to that lot mum; they know not what they say!"
"Yes, well what they are saying is that you have been seen around town with that tramp Magda, is it true?"
"Mags is a friend of mine, that’s all. She might put it about a bit but she’s got a heart of gold and she’s a right good laugh."
"She’s a bloody whore, that’s what she is and she’s gonna get you in a load of trouble. Just tell me you haven’t shagged the woman!"
"Give me some credit mum, we’ve smoked a couple of joints and she’s been stoned a few times, but that’s all."
"Well she’s been around town telling everyone that she’s slept with you."
"The lying bitch. I can promise you we have not, slept together."
"So, where are you getting all these drugs from?"
"I have my sources."
"Well, I wish you’d stop it. If your father found out he’d disown you. And me too!"
"He doesn’t own me in the first place; I belong to my real father. One day I’m going to find him and I’m going to live with him. I tell you, I’m right pissed off with the buggers round here, backstabbing bunch of bastards the lot of them. How did we ever end up in this god-forsaken place?"
"You’ll learn the ways of the world when you grow up, son. The fact is we have to go where the work is. You might think that everything is easy when you're young, but as you get older you'll realise that life ain't a bowl of cherries. If you don’t work hard at school, don’t get your qualifications, you'll never amount to anything in this life. Your father is a good and honest man and he works hard for a living, but because he didn’t do so good a school, he now has to do what he’s told by his superiors. They basically tell us where we can live, what we can say, what work we can do and even how to think. That’s why he’s so hard on you; if you don’t knuckle down and start working, you're going to end up on the scrapheap too; without knowledge and the right connections, you'll never amount to anything."
"That lot down the Council aren’t my ‘superiors’. You mark my words, one day I’m gonna go in there and tell ‘em exactly what I think of ‘em."
"Don’t talk like that! They have spies everywhere," she looked anxiously at the battered, old wardrobe that stood on the far side of the room. "They don’t mess about this lot; if they think you're plotting against them they’ll crucify you."
"Anyway, shouldn’t you be at school?"
"I’m not going to school any more, mum. It’s a complete waste of time, the teachers are all idiots and everything they tell you is a lie."
"Oh yes, and how did you come by this startling revelation?"
"I’ve met this bloke who gave me this book and it tells me everything I need to know. It’s a history book, a science book, a geography book, a law book and a maths book, all rolled into one. It’s my bible, it’s absolutely fantastic!"
"Yes, I bet it is; ‘fantastic’ in the truest sense of the word. Where did you meet ‘this bloke’, if you don’t mind me asking?"
"Nowhere and everywhere, we just keep bumping into each other in the weirdest of places."
"And is he the one who’s been supplying you with the drugs?"
"As a matter of fact, he is. So what?"
"Well son, it sounds to me like you’ve already met your real father. I can’t believe he’s still flogging those bibles and peddling that hallucinogenic snake-oil. You'd have thought he’d have got himself a proper job by now. I think you should forget everything he’s told you and go back to school; he’s been touting this stuff since time immemorial and the only people that ever buy into it are a bunch of delusionary nutcases, incapable of thinking for themselves. You don’t want to go through life with everybody pointing at you and calling you names do you?"
"No, but everything he tells me and everything in his book just seems to make sense. And it completely contradicts the nonsense we are taught at school; just think, it may be everybody else who goes through life being ignorant of the truth, and if that’s the case, they’ve got a pretty rude awakening when they die, I can tell you."
"It’s all a load of bollocks son. And talking of bollocks, are you sure you haven’t been shagging that Magda trollop? It was because of her that your dad and I split up, and I was pregnant with you at the time. I was just bloody lucky that Joseph didn’t ask too many questions and doesn’t know anything about the gestation period of a human child. But what I do know is that she also believed every word that stupid old man span her."
"I can assure you, mother dear, that me and Magda have never slept together. Now just drop it will you?"
"Well you drop all this bible nonsense and go back to school then. Please, I’m begging you, don’t throw it all away for the sake of some stupid old git and his ridiculous, rambling old tome."
"You obviously haven’t read it, have you mum? If you had you would realise how "ridiculous" the stuff we’re taught at school is. Here, take this for an example:" he thumbed through the dusty ancient volume that he had had secreted beneath his bed; eventually he came to the passage he was looking for.

"Here we go. Genesis Chapter 6 verses 19 – 22 and Chapter 7, verses 1 – 3.
006:019 And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort
shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee;
they shall be male and female.
006:020 Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of
every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every
sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
006:021 And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou
shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee,
and for them.
006:022 Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did
he.
007:001 And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into
the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this
generation.
007:002 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the
male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two,
the male and his female.
007:003 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female;
to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

So you see, Noah had seven days to get two of every living creature into the ark. Not a problem. But my school science teacher told me that there are more than 30 million different species of animal living on the Earth. So by my reckoning, that meant that Noah would’ve had to load about 360,000 animals per hour, every hour, for a week. That’s about one hundred animals a second! Now that’s just plain daft; so obviously there couldn’t be that many different species of animal in the world. I challenged my teacher to name the 30 million different species, and do you know what? He couldn’t name me more than about two hundred. So it was obvious that he was lying and two hundred is much nearer the mark."
"Fair point, at least it shows you were listening in your Maths classes."
"Yeah, but that’s not all. In Geography we were told that the Grand Canyon in America was cut by the Colorado River over the last 70 million years, but that is plainly nonsense! For a start off, the whole world is only about 4000 years old. This means that it is much more likely to have been formed during the Great Flood of Noah about 2350 years ago. But secondly, and perhaps much more importantly; when God released Satan from the pit and met him at the top of a mountain and looked out over the whole world, because of course the world is flat, like a trencher:"
"What’s a trencher?"
"I’ve no idea, stop interrupting me. Where was I? Oh yes, God and Satan. Well anyway, to cut a long story short, God offered Satan All the Jews, All the Muslims including Mohammed:"
"Who?"
"I Don’t know. Must be some bloke who hasn’t been born yet. This book is full of things that will happen in the future, see, you can't learn that at school can you? And he also offered Satan nine-tenths of the world to try and get rid of him. Well, if we were go to the top of the highest mountain and look out over the whole world, what would we see?"
"I don’t know, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me…"
"Yes I am. We’d see Galilee, Syria, Samaria, Judah, The River Jordan, Sanai, Egypt and the Med. So, what’s missing?"
"Go on…"
"America! Not mentioned anywhere in the book! So, what do you make of that then?"
"That the book is a load of tosh, written by some self serving bastards who want to rule with terror over their fellow citizens with stories of hell-fire, damnation and retribution in order to monopolize power and profit?"
"No, of course not, you’re deliberately missing the point. The point is, and this is undeniable, ‘There’s no such place as America!’ and my Geography teacher was just inventing fanciful, unprovable stories to try and impress a bunch of gullible children."
"Well, I must say, I’ve never heard of America, but that doesn’t prove anything. What other gems of wisdom does your father’s book tell you?"
He opened the book again. "Okay, get out of this one if you can. Our Biology teacher told us that all the plants in the world get their energy from the Sun. They then convert this ‘invisible’ energy using a substance called Chlorophyll to produce proteins that help them to grow. What a load of crap! Look at this." He opened the book to the very first page and began to read:

001:001 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
001:002 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
001:003 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
001:004 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
001:005 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
001:006 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
001:007 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
001:008 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
001:009 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
001:010 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
001:011 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
001:012 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
001:013 And the evening and the morning were the third day.
001:014 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
001:015 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
001:016 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
001:017 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
001:018 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
001:019 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

"Okay, that’s all pretty clear, but how pray, does it prove that your Biology teacher was wrong?"
"Look at it mum, on the first day God sent light into the world, God’s light, and it is this light that supplies the plants and trees etc. with their energy."
"Well surely that light is the Sun, isn't it?"
"No, you stupid woman, weren't you listening. God produced the plants and trees that bear fruit and all that on the ‘THIRD’ day. He didn’t provide the Sun until the ‘FORTH’ day, therefore the light must come from God and the Sun is only there as some sort of alarm clock to tell us when to get up and when to go to bed."
"Well, the sun’s gone down now, so perhaps it is time you went to bed. Sleep on it, try to get some rest and think about all this nonsense your father has been spinning you. Tomorrow you can go back to school. Goodnight son."
"’night mum." He rolled over and closed his eyes.
She leant over to kiss him, "Just once more before I go, please assure me that you have not been seeing that Jezebel, Mary Magdalen."
"Piss off mother, would I lie to you?"
As the bedroom door closed behind her another door in the room opened and out from the wardrobe skulked the heavily made-up, naked form of a middle aged, but surprising lithesome looking woman. She slipped her head under the young man’s counterpane and fondled her way up his body until they were lying together in a lustful embrace. Skillfully, with manicured fingers and high-gloss painted nails, she unbuttoned the top of his pyjamas. She bent down and took the draw-cord from his pyjama bottoms in her teeth and pulled them off, allowing her hot breath and her luxuriant auburn hair to brush tantalizingly over his genitals and his aroused groin.
Completely naked now, he lay back onto his pillows and cupped his hands behind his head, releasing himself completely to the mercy of Magda’s will. As she knelt at his feet and began kissing them he could feel the sap rising in his groin once again. By the time she had reached his inner-upper thigh his penis had risen to its full height and his unrestrained glans twitched and glowed, purple with anticipation. Magda broke off from her caressing and raised herself up, a look of teasing reproachfulness danced from her eyes.
"See Jesus, I told you, didn’t I?" she smirked.
"Told me what?"
"I told you that you would deny me thrice before the cock grows!" she laughed.

Genetic Modification (GM), God, The Bible, Religion, Politics, Football, Education, Cows, The Education of Cows, Sex, Lust, Love, Aliens, Public Houses, Aliens in Public Houses... Ever wondered where it all began?

My name is David Baldwin and I have written a novel that I would like to get published. However I have had little success so far with the traditional, some might say 'antediluvian', procedures and hoops that one has to jump through to get someone of influence to read your work. I'm speaking here of Literary Agents, Publishers, Editors, even family and friends.
Therefore, I have published the book on my own web site and I would invite anyone who finds this Blog, to follow the link and read it. I would greatly appreciate any comments, be they constructive, destructive or even down-right rude. I can guarantee, that if you read the whole novel, you will enjoy it. Here is a short synopsis.

*

Synopsis of "The Life of Riley" – By David Baldwin


RILEY LOCKSPRING was different from other boys, but just how different, even he never suspected.
He was born in Russia, but his origins were in another world altogether.
As he grows up, through school and university, a feeling that, out there somewhere, in the vastness of the universe he will find the "meaning of ‘his’ life" draws him in. He plans to do a PhD in Astro-physics and dreams of one day travelling into Space.
Is it a whim? Or is it his calling?
His plans are scuppered when his adoptive father, Richard, becomes gravely ill and Riley instinctively knows that he is the only person who can save him.
With a mind unencumbered by practicality and convention, the battle to save his father leads him on a voyage of discovery; a voyage dictated by fate, folly, misfortune, genius and love! It's a voyage that he appeares to have no control over. But someone or something, is controlling it.
He finds it difficult to make friends and constantly yearns for the love of an extended ‘family’ just like his friend Jasper finds in the Army. He feels that he is alone in a world that doesn't notice him but there are two groups of people keeping a very close eye on his development; some Russians and the inhabitants of an Alien planet. But which of these factions have his best interests at heart and which is out to kill him?
Eventually his past and his future collide in a bloody battle for his soul, and he finally discovers who he really is.

*

If this synopsis makes you want to read on, please click here.
If not, please tell me why this synopsis does not sell you the book, read the book anyway and then tell me why the synopsis is pathetic.

Thanks