Italia 90
(That’s Italia AD90)
A Ten Minute Opera
By

David J Baldwin

Scene One: Coliseum in Rome for a First Round Match between The Lions and The Christians
To the Music of 3 Lions by Skinner, Baddiel and The Lightning Seeds – Sung by the Gathered Throng Chorus of Rome.
*
They're Kat-o-meat, They're Kat-o-meat, The Christians
They are Kat-o-meat. (x4)

Christians think they know the score,
They’ve seen it all before.
They just know.
They're so sure.
Their God is gonna blow us away,
Gonna show them the way.
But our lions can play
And here comes one now…

[Refrain] Three Lions on his arse,
Crown jewels ripped and flaying.
Thirty yards way,
We never heard him praying.

So many cuts so many fears,
And all their leading Bishops are queers.
They wear frocks
They like boys,
But I still see that tackle by Claws
And when Leo boy jaws,
Bobby munching his balls.
St Peter screaming…

"Three Lions on your arse!
Run you stupid fucker.
Sod the bleeding Church
Jesus ain't yer mukker".

The lions win
And they will do a’gin.

They're Kat-o-meat, They're Kat-o-meat, Those Christians
They are Kat-o-meat. (Repeat x4 and fade out behind Refrain).

Three Lions on his arse,
Crown jewels ripped and flaying.
Thirty yards way,
We never heard him praying. (Repeat x3 and fade away).

*

Scene Two: Coliseum in Rome as the game kicks off and the Lions are released. To the Music of La Donna Mobile by Guiseppe Verdi – Sung by the Gathered Throng Chorus of Rome.

La Christians mobile,
Qual pume al Farto.
Lions like Catholic meat.
Al ‘sauce tomato’.

Don’t listen to their lies,
They're running for their lives.
Sandals strapped to their thighs.
Don’t wanna be Christmas pies.

[Refrain] La Christians mobile.
Qual pume al farto
Catholics taste best…
Strained through a string vest.

Claws dig into their flesh
Blood dripping, very fresh.
Just how they like it best,
Lions devour our guests.

Drink wine and have a laugh,
"Ooh! He’s just lost his calf.
"I bet that smarts hey Marth?
"Oh yeah, not bloody half!"

La Christians mobile.
Qual pume al farto
Catholics taste best…
Strained through a string vest.

*

Scene Three: Coliseum Rome after the first Round Match between The Lions and The Christians
To the Music of Nessun Dorma by Giacomo Puccini – Sung by some Big Fat Roman Tenor.


Christian dorma!Christian dorma!

You're dying now, O’Christians,

Now tell us where’s yer Jesus,

He couldn’t save you

Our lions have had their dinner, and we’re not smoted!

We gave your boys a damned good smitening,

No thunderbolts or streaks of lightning!

No, no, where’s your god gone, is he hiding?

D’you like our Coliseum, splenderà!

Our Gods are greater and more powerful.

So silenzio you silly bastards!

[Choir:]Il nome suo nessun saprà!

E tu dovrem ahimè morir, morir!

We’re going down!

The local taverna!

For a couple ‘a Stellas!

To celebrate our win!

Vincerò! Vincerò!

Massive applause and cries of Encore, Encore. Fades away.

The End