The 'Real' Lord's Prayer?

An excerpt from my novel 'The Life of Riley'

...Daily he would communicate his findings back to his father who was the Geophysical Ordnance Director (or GOD for short) on the mother ship.

A typical conversation between JC and his father would go something like this:-

JC. "Hi Father, who farts in heathen?"
(Its so boring living in the Promethian utopia that if someone farts it makes front page news. Heathen is JC’s pet name for Prometheus because of its non-religious make-up).

GOD "There’s some chap who’s invented a sort of alternative to toilet paper, that squirts water up your arse, I can’t remember his name."

JC "Howard Bidet’s his name."

GOD "you’re becoming quite a celebrity back home you know, now that were showing your Real Life documentary on TV every night. Loads of women want your body. You had two particularly saucy ‘texts’ from some bird called Violet".

JC "Vi Kingdom-Colm or Vi Willoughby-Dunne?"

GOD "Kingdom-Colm I think, she signs herself Vi K-C. Anyway, what’s the weather like on earth?"

JC "On Earth as it is in Heathen."

GOD "We all reckon you’ve been working too hard, do you need a day off?"

JC "Give us Thursday."

GOD "Oh, your mum says that our charlady "Simpkins" has had a baby."

JC "Our daily bred!" he said in astonishment.

GOD "Did I hear that you and some of your mates got tickets for the "Lions vs. The Christians" fight at the Coliseum? Someone told me that some journalists got you in?"

JC "Yeah, four gave us their press passes."

GOD "They gave you their press passes? What did you give them in return?"

JC "We four gave them WHO press passes."

GOD "WHO? You mean that new musical ensemble "The Who?" they’re rubbish, they’ll never last. I reckon you got a good deal there son."

JC "A gain t’us!"

GOD "Oh you'll never guess what, the PM Simon Knott (affectionately known as Snot) has been caught in a brothel with his trousers down!"

JC "Leader Snot into temptation?"

GOD "Yeah, good on him I say, that should boost his standing come the next election. Did I tell you about the latest craze on Genetica? The on-line shopping mall ‘e-Ville’ has a new line in pantomime plastic buttocks; they’re quite a laugh and all the rage back home. I could send you one by transporter if you want?"

JC "Butt deliveries from e-Ville!" what ever will they think of next he muses.

GOD I also heard that that little wine bar we went to for your 21st is now a night club called The King Dome."

JC "Four Vines Is the King Dome?"

GOD "That’s what I heard. By the way, your favourite gold chain wearing, bejewelled author Steven Bling has written a new horror novel. It’s about a mad farmer who terrorises the countryside by running over courting couples in his tractor and rig there’s blood everywhere. Bet you can’t guess what it’s called?"

JC "The Plougher and the Gory?"

GOD "Good guess. Only one more item of news I can think of, your old mate Devon Harman is getting married this weekend. We’ll send him a card from you if you like. What would you like it to say? By the way his fiancée’s name is Heather".

JC "For Heather and Devva Harman…."

A loud crackling noise in his ear told JC that the communication channel had been lost; the Mother ship had probably just gone behind the moon...